I told a lie today.
It wasn’t malicious. In fact, it was spoken to preserve the emotions of the person to whom I was speaking. It would not have been fair to dump out the spiritual baggage I was carrying on her via text. So instead, no worries.
But there were worries. It began earlier this week when I read an article about a gay catholic believer and his struggle with celibacy and the church. From the way he wrote I had little doubt that he loved God deeply, but his struggle was with the church. His church had expectations. His church didn’t help him. His church. His church. His church. And as fascinated as I was by the article, I wanted to know what about his God?
Then there was the friend who publicly bashed white evangelicals on social media for their lack of service to the least of these. Ironic, because I thought he too was a white evangelical. And as my husband and I discussed the article, we wondered if we had ever seen him do the things he was accusing white evangelicals of not doing.
But, no worries.
Then there was the book I had just finished reading. Anything. By Jennie Allen. It’s about her journey with God after she and her husband tell God they will do anything He wants. Not rocket science, but touching.
So no worries became my mask today. My duct tape, if you will, holding back all my frustration. Somewhere inside, and probably not that deep inside, I was worried. I am worried. Am I more wrapped up in my church than my God? Am I one of those white evangelicals my friend talked about? Am I pretending anything more than praying anything?
God, only You know. Help me to serve You before your church. Help me to love You by loving the lost. Let me do nothing out of pride or selfish ambition, but all to glorify You. Amen.
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